My 6th, 2022
So guess who's got COVID? Two years into a global pandemic and a week from the end of the semester and I get it. It's pretty frustrating, I have to admit. But at the same time what can you do? That's what I keep telling myself at least. Now I'm stuck in a room for 5 days with someone I don't know. Fun!
This could be the plot of my fanfic if she didn't have a boyfriend :/
She's not really my type though. What is my type you may ask? Hmmm... I'm not sure. I know of certain people **cough**cough** who are my type, but that doesn't mean I really know what my "type" is.
Speaking of "types", have you ever fallen in an endless unrequited crush? For me, it seems like that's the only sort of 'relationships' I get into. Giving my everything to someone I'm hopelessly devoted to, but never being loved back. Even when they love me as their friend and show that they care- it still isn't enough. I know it's a little codependent (as I've had some cruelly point out to me) but there's something about it that's addictive. It's safer, in a way, to never ask for anything more so you don't have to face the fear of rejection.
My friend (who this post may or may not be about) reminded me of music for "people who want to have sex without knowing how sex works". You know that kind of music that made you feel something indescribable as a preteen? Not necessarily 'Horny' Music, but something ineffable that's about the discovery of the linkages between humans that you've never felt before. The music that makes other people feel like hugging trees and fingers in the dirt and how your always too chubby hands seem to fit so neatly into the curves of your barbie doll's body. That kinda music. Sometimes I still feel like what that music makes you feel. That sort of nascent all consuming passion.
I'm a full grown lesbian in college, yet sometimes I still feel like I'm on the verge of a "friendship breakup" with my bestfriend in middleschool. Like I still dont know what I want her to mean to me. Do I know what I want them to mean to me?
And if I did, would I even know how to ask for it?
But maybe that's just the covid brainfog talking... I think I'm gonna drink some gatorade and code this site up a bit more. Let me know what you think if the new chatbox works. <3
P.S. the playlist this time is sort of random and mainly just what I'm in the mood for while coding. The song my friend mentioned though, that portions of this post are about, is "I Don't Want To Be" by Gavin DeGraw, which is featured below.
Your friend,
Saytr
